For the procrastinating men

You know who you are out there. If you haven't gotten your honey a card, I'm giving you tips on what to do, how to do it and, best of all, how to score brownie points for doing it.

Here you go:

1. You MUST get her a card. Take your lunch break to go pick one out that she will appreciate. Unless you're a sappy guy, I recommend NOT going the sappy route. Find one of the cute, humorous ones that is flattering to her. Then, this is the biggie, jot down some fond memory of her. Maybe something about a gift she gave you for a past Valentine's Day that you loved or something that happened while you were dating that made you love her. Something personal is the key. Don't write something about what a good lay she was or how you loved the fact that you guys did it on the first date. Use good taste. Also, don't run into the gas station and grab a card there from 1979. Dollar General has really nice cards for $1 or less.

2. Don't buy her lingerie unless she's a horndog. This is just a way to piss her off. It is like Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with the initials H.S. on it. We know the lingerie is NOT for us. It is about what you're going to get out of it. If you're only getting laid once a week or once a month as it is, giving her lingerie is just going to make her mad. Girls, am I wrong?

3. No candy if she's on a diet. This is simple enough. Use your common sense. Now, you can take her out to her favorite restaurant or bring home chocolate dipped strawberries, if she likes those.

4. Flowers are always good. If she has a favorite kind of flower like tulips, daisies or carnations, you can't go wrong. If you are a member of Sam's Club or Costco, you can get more bang for your buck there. Buy a big vase and fill the damn thing up. You'll spend less than $40 and she'll get twice as many flowers. Now, here's my disclaimer: I've known those women's libber friends of mine who get pissy at getting flowers. You know if you're gal is in this category or not. Most of us Southern girls love anything purty. (sorry, reverting back to my upbringing). If you guys are on a budget, don't splurge too much or she'll feel badly. You can get a small bouquet of tulips for about $10 at the florist. You can get a basic vase for $2 at Wal-Mart or even better, go to the local thrift store. They always have tons of vases in every size and shape (some are gorgeous) for $2 or less.

5. Music. If she has an Ipod, you can download some songs for her. If she has a CD player, you can't go wrong with music. Pick something she loves or a CD with your song on it. She'll be so touched that you thought about her like this. If you were high school sweethearts, get a CD with songs from your prom. Even better is a song that makes you think about her that she may not even know - write a note about why it makes you think of her and include it with the CD.

6. Salon pampering. Get her a massage or pedicure. We all love that. Seldom do we get to be pampered. Don't give her a brazilian wax; again, more for you than us. Plus, she'll think you don't like her the way she looks now and that will make her feel bad.

7. Don't give her a gift card or cash. There are some exceptions to this, but we prefer that you actually put a bit of effort into getting us a gift. It demonstrates to us that you cared enough to put some thought and effort into the whole thing.

8. Think twice about useful items. If she's been asking for a new washer/dryer, then maybe that is ok. But, we want the gift to be about romance and how you see us in a romantic way; not about making us into even more of a domestic goddess.

9. Gift certificates for loving. This is where you earn what you want for Valentine's Day. Make her (or you can buy one at Wal-Mart in the seasonal aisle) a book of gift certificates. Included are certificates for a back rub, foot rub, running her a bubble bath, painting her toenails for her, making her dinner, giving her a night off from chores and kids, etc. I can almost guarantee that if you do something like this for her, you'll be repaid in with some amorous attention.

10. Tell her how you feel. We love this shit. Tell us what you were thinking the first time that you saw or met us. *Don't include that you got a raging boner because of her low cut blouse.* Tell her about how pretty she was. Maybe how she caught your eye. Was it her lovely eyes or her beautiful figure (see, you can include that stuff without being crude). Talk to her about why you still love her. Compliment her on all the things that she does for you that maybe you never thank her for. Those things go a long way toward keeping us from resenting the fact that we pick up your smelly socks, mend your clothes, pack your lunch, etc.

Ladies, our gifts are easy. Go dig out a bow from the Christmas wrapping paper and stick it to your belly button or get three and put two on your boobs like pasties. I saw a comedian who said that he didn't want a new shirt or whatever else crap that we get them. All he wanted was a blow job and/or sex. Voila. That easy. Our job is quick and done. Ok, maybe not so quick if you're lucky. LOL. But, we can give them what they want for next to nothing. Cook him his favorite meal and lead him to the bedroom wearing nothing but a seductive smile. Inexpensive and, maybe if you play your cards right, you'll get that foot rub that you've been wanting.

Happy early Valentine's Day.

So, what is AoM and AoD doing for their romantic Valentine's Day, you ask? We're taking our kids to the UNT Mean Green men's basketball game where we will dine on the Family Four Pack of a large Domino's pizza and four drinks. :) And, people say romance is dead. Pshaw.