Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.


Lost Soul

This is so sad. I stumbled upon this blog and it just made me so sad. He calls himself Lost Soul and blogs about the decline of his marriage and how he is searching for something that he feels is missing. I feel really badly because I think everyone has been at this point in their relationship at some time.

We all struggle. Often, we are looking for someone else to make us happy and that isn't going to happen. We have to make ourselves happy and then work on the relationships around us, but being honest and communicating is what it takes to make things work. Second guessing a relationship won't get you there, you have to be honest and open yourself up to the risk of heartache, hurting the other person or yourself or maybe, just maybe, discover that the two of you were looking for the same thing, but you didn't even know it.

There are many examples of how miscommunication or lack, thereof, can impact a relationship. Army of Dad and I were on a trip and we had a budget about what we could spend. Well, I suggested one form of entertainment and he suggested an alternative. I can't even remember what the deal was, but I said ok to doing something that I really didn't want to spend the money on, but I thought he did. Well, he thought I wanted to go do it, but I didn't. So, we spent $40 on something both of us had wished we hadn't. Now, we made the best of it and after that initial Homer Simpson "doh!" moment, we laughed about it and vowed to talk to each other more. Neither of us wanted to hurt the other's feelings.

An even bigger and better example comes from my high school sweetheart. His mom and stepdad were house hunting. They bought a house and later discovered - as they were going through their divorce - that neither of them really wanted it. Each of them thought it was what the other wanted and acquiesced regarding buying it because they didn't want to upset the other person. Well, this was just one aspect of their marriage where they didn't communicate their true feelings and it came back to bite them in the butt.

Now, I'm not saying that you have to be honest 100 percent of the time. That is impossible and potentially harmful. That would be like Army of Dad telling me that my gray hairs showing through made me look old. They probably do, but if he said it, it would only hurt my feelings. Now, if I asked him if the gray is showing, he can be honest and say yes. But, don't editorialize there! Same thing about a pair of pants. Do these make my ass look fat? The wrong answer is "Do monkeys eat bananas and fling shit at each other?" Hell yes, my ass looks fat in these pants, but it isn't the pants' fault, is it mine for drinking three Dr Peppers a day and sitting on my keester instead of exercising. But, should he tell me my ass looks fat? No. He can answer more diplomatically with something like "I like the curve or your ass." or something similar. You get the idea.

But, when it comes to really important things about our feelings, it is important to talk to one another. A big issue for me and Army of Dad is that he feels like I don't hear (i.e. listen) to him and follow his wishes and he feels like he has to deal with me making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm working on these things and trying to give him my undivided attention and really hear what he has to say. But, I'm a ditz and an airhead and it takes me a while to get with the program. But, I think he knows I'm trying and that helps. When something is bothering me, I try to pick my spot to talk to him about. When he walks in the door from a hard day's work is not the time to talk to him about our relationship. First, he needs a beer, he needs to unwind with a video game or dinner or a mindless TV show about cooking or the hibernation patterns of bears or something to help him be able to hear me and what I have to say.

Timing. Alot of it is about timing. I highly recommend Dr. John Gray's: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Now, he has a series of these books and they all pretty much say the same things. But, this book really did help me to see why my tactics in dealing with things weren't very successful. Men want to solve problems. Women, however, just want someone to listen to us sometimes without telling us how to fix things. Men don't really want to talk about things and they certainly don't want to guess or try to read our minds. We have to be direct and tell them what we want, but after they have their "cave" time to unwind from the day.

ok, I can tell I need to get to sleep because I'm getting all touchy-feely therapeutic now. But, to return to the original topic, I feel really sad for this Lost Soul struggling to find what is missing in his life. I know I'm lucky to know I'm exactly where I need to be and I'm about to go cuddle up next to him while he sleeps.


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