Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.


Liquid nitrogen loves my cervix

Now, how is that for a blog entry title? But, it is true.

I had my cryosurgery Thursday morning about 10:45 and I was done and out of there in less than 15 minutes including making my follow-up appointment for December. Seriously. I was all amped up and freaking out about it and it really wasn't too bad.

Army of Granny went with me and she could tell I was a wee bit hyper about the whole thing, but damn, someone wants to put liquid nitrogen on your cooch and freeze it and you tell me that you wouldn't be a wee bit on the apprehensive side.

So, I go in and the British nurse is explaining it to me. Once he puts the speculum in and stretches it out like one of those old-fashioned meat grinders, then he'll insert an aluminum cone-shaped thing (don't you love my technical terms?) on the end of some tubing which shoots out liquid nitrogen. The doctor will adhere it to the cervix for about three minutes and then let it defrost a bit (just what I want to hear) and then we'll be all done. Ok, sounds good enough. It will cause a little cramping that feels like menstral cramps, she continues. If the pain gets too bad, let me know and we'll stop, but then we'll have to do it again. I'm thinking that doesn't sound good. I'll suck it up and move forward. Ok, I tell her. She said she'll count down for me so I know what the time is looking like. Great.

So, I go strip from the waist down and put on one of those great little gown thingees and plop up on the procedure table. In comes the doctor and he positions me on there and then starts screwing (oops, poor choice of words, sorry) the speculum open. Good God, that sucks. My cooch was not meant to get that far apart and since I had three c-sections, I'm not accustomed to passing items the size of a small watermelon through that opening. So, I'm chit-chatting and telling him that this was the worst part for me during the colposcopy and he chuckled. I was just about to tell you that this is probably the worst part, he replied. But, we have to make sure we get it open wide enough so we don't freeze your vagina, he added. Good call, Doc. I'm sort of fond of that area of my body and don't want to see any of it frozen off.

In it goes and before I know it, one minute has already passed. I'm thinking this is nothing. I didn't even feel it. Then, he warns me that I'll probably feel a cramp. Why, yes, indeed, there it is. The nurse had warned me that the cold cone on the cervix will cause it to contract resulting in the cramping. Ok, that cramp is uncomfortable, but no big deal. WE're down to one minute, 30 seconds, 15 seconds. Done. So, the liquid nitrogen machine is turned off. Then, I about climbed the walls like Spiderman. Ouch! Ooohh! That hurts, I tell the doctor. Goowwhwwhhh!!! The tool was stuck to my cervix and the doctor was trying to pry it free. It likes your cervix, he tells me. Great. There are a lot of vulgar jokes waiting to be said, but the pain is a little too intense to want to crack them right then. Finally, he asks the nurse to get a swab with warm water to free the tool from my obviously appealing cervix. We don't want to melt it too much because that would defeat the purpose, he says. Oh wait, I forgot about the smoke. That was a good part, too. As he turns off the liquid nitrogen he warns me that there will be a little smoke. I raise my head up and look at him. I'm wondering why my cooch is going to start smoking and then all kinds of hilarity runs through my mind. Smokin' will have a new meaning for me! But, the smoke didn't come out of my cooch (at least not to my knowledge) but the machine let out a big whiff of air and some smoke. I thought about Bill Cosby talking about his dentist visit and telling the doctor that there is smoke coming out of his mouth.

After the doctor leaves, the nurse tells me that she has never seen a cervix so receptive to the freezing. Great, I said, that must mean I have a hot twat. She laughed and said, no I think it might mean that you're frigid. Ouch, that hurt lady! She chuckled and then told me to get dressed and meet the doctor in his office.

The procedure went beautifully, he told me. I'll return in December for a repeat pap smear and hopefully all will be back to normal then. Fortunately, I only had a few cramps immediately after the procedure and have felt great all day with nothing - not even a Tylenol to deal with it. Woo hoo. Hopefully that trend will continue.


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