Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.

10.14.2007

Driving in Dallas

A friend sent this to me and I laughed so hard, my sides hurt. If you live in Dallas or have ever visited, you know how true this is.

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. (Frisco has screwed everything up.)

Dallas has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline," which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN'T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. *Just ask AoD, he can vouch for this*

The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. *I can vouch for this in Fort Worth, too. I would endeavor to leave by 3 to avoid rush hour, but still got stuck in traffic.*

Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. *amen to that, too*

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators - and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas. .

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!"

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas...

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman.

The wrought iron on\n windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas , you must have knowledge of Spanish.

If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed... and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If you go to the State Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him. *when I was in high school, we paid some dude $10 to park in his yard. We were shocked to come back and find all our hubcaps still in place and the windows in tact.*

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. *this is true. It never sleets unless the stock show is going on*

If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it's Spring) - and it is the Texas State Fair if it's Fall.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers ... remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

*enjoy*

2 Comments:

  • At 3:15 AM, October 15, 2007, Blogger Moi said…

    So true, so true.

    I try to warn people when they come here, but they are surprised every time.

     
  • At 9:03 AM, October 15, 2007, Anonymous Army of Dad said…

    Well you can actually stop on yellow sometimes now since many local cities have installed the foul red light cameras...though rear end accidents at those intersections are way up!

     

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