Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.


Dr. Marquis de Sade


I got the drain out as well as all my staples. I'm starting to feel normal and human again. However, the catchphrase that beauty is pain rang true for me today.

We anxiously (ok, I was anxious, Army of Dad wasn't) arrive at the doctor's office and they send me back to the procedure room with the lipo machine, overhead light, various machines and a big old craftsman toolbox. AoD immediately was eyeballing the toolbox. We also found where they put the ugly nurse - in a little office in the back.

Cutie-patootie 20-something blonde nurse, complete with the nose ring and smacking on her chewing gum hands me a GINORMOUS hospital gown to put on. I usually have a hard time getting these gowns to cover both of my boobs. Not a problem today. AoD and I both could have fit in this thing with room to spare. So, here I am in my bra and mamma moo moo thingee.

Doc comes in and tells cutie-patootie to remove the drain and then two of every three staples. No problem. Right? I had a drain removed before with no problems, so no worries. OHMIGOD. The snakey-worm drain hurt like hell when she pulled it out. Nothing like the last one. This fucker was like a foot long and I'm not exaggerating. I had this big old hole in my hip that stung like hell. AoD was amazed at how long it was. He was gesturing with his fingers to show me how long. Shut up asshole. You're not helping.

But, nothing compared to the removal of the staples.

*insert dramatic music here*

Cutie patootie starts going at it and I'm screaming. I've had staples removed before. Stings like an ant bite and then it is over. Not today. Feels like the bitch is just cutting my skin with scissors. Swear to God. She finally stopped when I was freaking out at this point. I'm planning on going home to take some vicodin and returning. Instead, the doc comes in and tries doing it. It didn't hurt when he was doing it. The little stings, yes, but not like the pain this girl was inflicting. Then, a couple here and there hurt. I ripped one staple through my skin last week. That one hurt like hell. In the midst of all this, some hurt, most didn't. The doc was shocked. He has NEVER had a patient with this procedure who wasn't still numb in the mid-section. Lucky me. I have been feeling these staples for a week now. He was baffled. Doc decides he is going to show cutie patootie how to remove staples with less discomfort. I tapped her back and said "I love you, hun, but Dr. please don't let her do it again." He ignored me and said she will do it fine. She did do better this time. Finally, we get back to the one that the bitch started trying to remove earlier. Lucky me, it got bent and twisted into my skin. He had to get some hemostats and dig the thing out of me. Ask me if I was numb. The answer would be HELL NO! I was biting AoD's finger, squeezing his hand, crying, cursing and not at all being a nice person. After it was all said and done, I was glad it was all over. I was so uptight, scared, hurting and freaked out that the mamma moo gown was drenched with sweat. It was running down my back, down my ass crack, my cooch was wet as were my arm pits and under my boobs. AoD said it was even running down my chest between my boobs. I don't recall EVER sweating that much when it didn't involve athletics or workout machinery. Cutie patootie gave me a hug and apologized for hurting me and she was almost in tears as she left. I almost felt bad for her. Almost.

I got dressed and went out to make my follow-up appointment for two weeks out. EVERYONE in the office was staring at me. I don't think they're accustomed to people screaming in the office. Screams of pain probably sent the old ladies in the waiting room scurrying out without finding out how much their facelift would be. The doctor smiled apprehensively at me and I told him I wasn't mad at him anymore. He said something about not being so worried about me being mad at him, but more concerned if Army of Dad was mad at him. My muscle was coming in handy, it appears.

I feel better now. It is uncomfortable as I heal and it itches. But, it doesn't hurt any more. It is sore, but I can handle sore. I can also sleep on my side now, too. I can also consummate my marriage again, too. 14 days is way too long to go without some sweet loving down by the fire.


  • At 11:42 PM, June 01, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I mentioned before about how different persons do procedures differently.
    Don't worry about the hollering, it gives them something to talk about at the company picnic (no names, of course).
    Kudos on the act of marriage.
    I was out of town for 6 days, and my oh my, the mister really missed me.

  • At 9:03 AM, June 02, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    Hee hee ... Nice to be wanted by our men, that is for sure!

    And, I'm sure they'll be talking about me for days to come!

  • At 11:32 AM, June 02, 2005, Blogger Gadfly said…


    Take the friggin pills BEFORE going to have drains and staples pulled from your flesh.

    It's GOING to hurt.

    That's why God gave you those enormous prefrontal lobes on your brain -- so you can remember the past and use it as a means to predict the future. It's called reasoning. Look into it.

    BTW your tummy looks great!

  • At 11:47 AM, June 02, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    She weaned herself off of the pills a week ago. Even taken with food they tend to make her dizzy and sick to her stomach. With the exception of the two staples with issues the ones the Dr took out didn't bother her much. The other drain didn't hurt her at all when it was taken out.

    Just saying that her previous experience led her to believe that she didn't need to take pain meds in advance of her appointment...

  • At 2:09 PM, June 02, 2005, Blogger Gadfly said…


    And then, sometimes, you just get tricked.

  • At 4:19 PM, June 02, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    Yeah, AoD is right on this one Gadfly. The last drain to come out didn't hurt at all. Just a little weird feeling, but NO pain in the least. And, as far as staples go, I had them with the last two c-sections and their removal was a piece of cake; felt like a little ant bite, nothing I can't handle. This was nothing like I expected. Nothing.

    And, thanks for the compliment.


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