Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.


Help me decide

I'm in full gear to host a bachelorette party for LabKat and now I'm going to let my faithful readers - all 20 of you - help me pick the best way to torment her.

For her bachelorette party, we're going to do a spaghetti dinner complete with dessert and a little "girls only" party with adult novelty items *wink* and then we're going to see mostly naked men at LaBare. Well, for all of the evening's festivities, she is going to be wearing one, two or all of these items. You help me decide.

Choice A: the Miss Bachelorette Sash

Choice B: bachelorette veil

Choice C: the feather boa

I think we'll have to make her wear this identical outfit if we go with the boa. *snickering*

Ok guys, help me vote in the comments. A, B or C or all of the above. You can also make contributions toward her dollar bill jar to help some deserving homosexual work his way through college by shaking his moneymaker for LabKat. Email me if you want to contribute and I'll set up a tip jar.


  • At 10:40 PM, January 13, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How about a sash with some replica mini-WMDs from Iraq? Oh wait...

  • At 10:53 PM, January 13, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'd go for somthing simple like the sash. Something that won't embarasses anyone in 20 years. Here was the post I tried to put up to Lab Kat on 'How to get married for almost <$500. Her account comments truncated it:

    We did this just about when Ronnie Raygun was still ruling the roost. [And No, that's not real my email addy either.]

    1.) Pick out a nice mid range restaurant in any city that you know reasonbly well. Smaller towns are preferred. Try and book their small conference room or Small dining room for the afternoon, 2 hrs max. Make sure they know you're on a tight budget, broke even. Let them meet your needs. Tell them a small party is expected <35 people.

    2.) Pick a small range of dates convenient For You. Obviously major religious holidays might be precluded.

    3.) Figure out which family members are the most likley to be extra troublesome or bothersome. If at all possible, Do NOT invite them. If this is mom try and get her to literally sign a contract to 'bravely behave like a diplomat during the Cold War'. Make it as specific as you feel may be needed. Tell her to do it for you, the nation and posterity. We had SALT 1&11 with the old USSR, your mom can come through to be polite and charming For YOU for this one day. For 2 Hours. If not tell, her it's Vegas with Elvis and you'll send the MPEG's to her via email.

    3.) We knew the preacher, wrote our own vows and to this day wear nothing but the very simple gold bands we bought a head of time. That may have been the greatest expense if you are considering the total costs.

    4.) Everything else. The flowers we picked up on the way. We had asked for something 'nice' from the local florist. We had one table piece and I think another one or 2 along the wall. The cake was decorated on the spot, I had them spell our names on a common sheet cake they had on sale in the window in the same small NE town. Nothing special, we picked it up on our way to the restaurant. Our photographers in the days before digital, was anyone with a camera. You'll do better with many other different digital options from guests. That might be the fun part.

    5.) Invitations were sent out and printed within one week, on some pretty and relatively cheap common card stock. I hand addressed each as there were not that many. Guests were told when to show up and join us in celebration. If they could not make it, well, send along your regrets with the check. Only our immediate family was invited. Cousins were even dissed as were Aunties. Too many of them.

    6.) At the arranged date and hour, wearing our best suit or dress that we had on hand, we stood up, said our piece and sat down to dinner from the regular restaurant menu. (Gee everyone got what they wanted!) The ceremony took 2 min flat. The preacher got a meal, (well a bit more but that's another story). If we wanted to be real cheap or mean, we might have charged for the dinner, but that was the greatest expense. The music was some nice soft classical stuff that the staff had put on for us. Thank goodness I never heard that damned 'Wedding March!' We were in and out in under 2 hours. We honeymooned up the coast traveling by car. It was then the husband discovered the wife took to being car sick often. It was a memorable trip. The restaurant which was in an office park later went out of business. We're still here. It's the feeling that counts, not the cost. Devotion and caring can not be had for any price.

    Good Luck! VJ, Ga.

  • At 3:49 AM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    C'mon, you're not even going to consider the lifesaver t-shirt? That would greatly add to her tip jar. On the off chance you aren't familiar with it. You sew lifesavers on a large white t-shirt so it looks like a bikini. Then, for a dollar each, you get strangers (preferably men!)to suck/bite them off.


  • At 5:35 AM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    OK, I know this is real silly, 'cause it's not my life, right? But AOM is well, a conservative, right? A TX Bush voting conservative at that. So my question is: Are you going to live up to those values? Why even suggest something silly (OK really silly) like small dicks covering articles of clothing? The lifesaver idea strikes me as one with some possibility, but still pretty raunchy. I know, it's just one last fling...but for what with what, or whom right? Faceless strangers? Why not do it the old fashioned way, just sit around and drink and tell some tales. It's about as fun w/o all the idiotic possibilities for present and future embarassment. Surely a real live conservative mom would understand this outlook, right?

    And yes, I'm 109 years old. Thwpppp! Where was my morning oatmeal.... And no, no one in my family had one of these silly things. Alice Roosevelt would not have approved!

  • At 6:42 AM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This is a pretty apolitical post so where the hell did all the damn trolls come from?

    BTW I say do all three, but whatever you do do not stop at just the sash.

    Army of Dad

  • At 8:10 AM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    If this is a conservative blog...we surely are, as Mr. Bjork has pointed out, "Slouching towards Gommorah". What would you say if a parent of a child who goes to class with one of your own saw this blog? Do you think they'd feel comfortable having their child in your home? There are "true" conservatives out there who are not prudes but would never put themselves ahead of, well, decency. You talk the talk, do you walk the walk? It has nothing to do with politics, it's about being a mature adult and being responsible. It's easy to close a door.

  • At 8:31 AM, January 14, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    I'm really confused. I don't know what I've done that is so offensive. This blog is not written for children and never has been. It is written for adults and like everything else parents should do, they should screen what their children view on the Internet. There are times when I show my children the pictures of themselves, but I would never sit them in front of the computer and say "go to town" kids and see what you can learn.

    Just because I am a conservative does not mean that I'm dead. I discuss sex on this blog, I curse from time to time and I will discuss adult topics. My greatest piece of information that I can give you is to not return if you don't like it.

    This is my little piece of the Internet and I'm sorry if I offended you. That was never my intentions.

    Obviously, you don't know me or you would know that I am a truly devoted mother and don't do anything that would jeopardize the well-being of my children or their friends. Aside from cursing in front of them from time to time, I think I do a pretty good job of raising them to love Jesus, respect others and follow the Golden Rule.

    As far as the bachelorette party goes, we're not hiring a prostitute. We're going to have dinner, laugh at adult topics and go to a strip club. It really is pretty harmless people. I know many bachelorette parties which wind up with the bride-to-be getting plastered and sleeping with some guy. This won't be one of those, so excuse me if I don't live up to your "Christian" standards.

  • At 8:43 AM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    AoM, ignore the drive by troll. Whatever. I'm not a conservative - I'm a Christian Libertarian. I seriously dislike the holier-than-thou attitude of people like that. My oldest two have been reading since they were three and half and not only do they NEVER surf the web, I'm extremely careful of what I surf around them (one likes to read over my shoulder so no Bane for me when he's around). As to their suggestion that the lifesaver shirt is worse than small penises, let me get this straight - letting strange men suck candies off of your shirt is okay (well, marginally okay)but wearing penises is not? WTF? Seriously, neither of these things is going to be done around kids.

  • At 1:44 PM, January 14, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    *rolling my eyes at Bane*

    And, Onecent, welcome to the blog. Thanks for not freaking out and running for the hills. I'm glad your baby survived dipshit doctors. It is amazing the stories every CAH mom has to share and we ALL have them! Best wishes and feel free to email me anytime, my email is on the top righthand side of the blog.

  • At 3:01 PM, January 14, 2005, Blogger Mustang Bobby said…

    I find it strangely ironic that so-called "conservatives" object to your bachelorette gift suggestions. After all, they accuse the liberals of prying into everyone's private lives and depriving them of their right to make a fool of themselves if they wish (not that your gift ideas are foolish, either). I thought the True Conservatives cherished the right to be left alone and trust in our abilities to make our own judgements.

    As a liberal, I applaud your efforts to honor LabKat in this creative manner, and you should do exactly as you please. It's no reflection on your abilities as a mom, your intelligence or judgement as a human being, or your patriotism. Go for it. And as a liberal, I applaud your effort to reach out to those who may not always agree with you but appreciate your refreshing sense of humor.

  • At 3:05 PM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I read it as the trolls calling AoM hypocritical. Nah we just don't fit any of the stereotypical molds.

    Army of Dad

  • At 3:10 PM, January 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    As the 109 year old, I'd say have some fun at the party. My comments were not about your parenting. I've got no idea about that. They were not meant to be mean either. I just want you to know that there was a time (way back when), when ladies and gents could have a good time without strip clubs being involved. I mean where did this grand tradition come from? Is there an Emily Post chapter for this? I know it's the younger set. Things went to hell after that wonderful man Herbert Hoover was thrown out of office. There was an upstanding man! But if you think little dickies are funny on clothing, go for it hon. Just don't take too many pics OK? And yes, the Fruitcake Lady of LA (one of Jay Leno's most frequent guests) is my sister. Listen to her wisdom sometime! Now where did I leave mah burbon?

  • At 4:07 PM, January 14, 2005, Blogger WebGuy said…

    All of the above, of course. Don't forget to post pics, or we may be forced to submit artist renderings from our imaginations...

  • At 4:09 PM, January 14, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    Thanks Bobby for your comments. Army of Dad is right about the fact that we really don't fall into any true stereotypes. We are mostly conservative, but value our privacy and respect others to do as they please as long as they leave me the hell alone.

    And, regarding good old fashioned fun. You say tomato (long A), I say tomato (soft A) ... it is all about your perpsective. I don't see going to a strip club to be all that malicious. Honestly. What man doesn't appreciate the female form and vice versa for a woman with a man. If no cheating is going on, what difference does it make. Plus, it sounds pretty damn judgmental. And, sorry if little plastic penises are offensive to you. I feel sort of sorry for you that you got your panties all in a wad about that, of all things. It isn't my first choice of attire, but I thought it was sort of amusing. I have some breath mints call Tit Tax, too, that are shaped like little boobs. Most people think they're a laugh riot. I'm guessing the humor is lost on you. So sad.

  • At 7:12 AM, January 15, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I didn't say one word about parenting skills. I can only assume that you might question your own by your response to my post. My opinion was that a lot of parents would have second thoughts about you and your lifestyle if they were to see the dreaded "penis" blog. As far as enjoying sex and all that goes with it, go for it. No problem. But as I previously tried to's easy to close the door. I am not a prude and did not label you as a "loose" or "tawdry" woman, it would appear that the labels thrown around here are all aimed at my post not yours. My only reason for the initial post was to bring to light what many others "might" find offensive. Is it worth it to blog your ideas for the party for all to see knowing it may be seen by a neighbor who finds it offensive? Are you willing to live with that fact? Are your kids? It would have been just as easy, though less provacitive, to have your party sans the "blog". One more insight, your kids know more about you than you think. I'm no saint, I've done my share of vile and subhuman activities, to be called a prude or troll is ridiculous. One more thing...just because you fall to the right of your liberal friends, it doesn't mean you are conservative. I suggest you read Dr. Laura's books or maybe Robert Bjork's "Slouching...".

  • At 9:59 AM, January 15, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    To Anonymous: When you say that parents wouldn't want their children to come to my house, I certainly feel like you're making a comment about my parenting skills. I have no questions about how them. I feel I do the best job I can. I'm human, I have and will continue to make mistakes. But, if the worst thing that happens is one of them sees a plastic penis, I don't think it will scar them for life. However, it is highly unlikely that they will see it. Regardless, I have told people on countless occasions that if they are easily offended, this is not the blog for them. I'm sorry if I offended you, you may want to not return to this blog if it does. My apologies. However, I do not apologize for being the person that I am. If you knew me, this blog would come as no surprise to you. This is who I am. I'm a mother. I vote Republican. I like sex. I like to say the F word. Simply said: I say what is on my mind. You may disagree with me. That happens in this world. Not everyone sees things the same. We're all welcome to our own opinions. It is what makes this country great. You think that I'm offensive because I posted a picture of a veil with plastic penises on it. You are worried that I will offend my neighbors or corrupt children. So sorry. None of my neighbors would be surprised. They know me too well. They expect this kind of thing from me and would be surprised if I didn't act like this. And, yes, it is possible to host tawdry bachelorette parties and still coach the soccer team, teach CCD, be a eucharistic minister and PTA class mom. *gasp*

    And, you have made a fabulous point. I will take down my information labeling me as a conservative. Thanks for that insight. You are absolutely right. If you, my dear, are a conservative, I really don't want to be labelled in that group. Anyone who thinks Dr. Laura is the expert explains to me why you feel the way you do. This woman is right up there with Howard Stern as far as I'm concerned when it comes to radio shows. I disagree with about everything she has ever said. If you do subscribe to her way of thinking - I am indeed all that you think I am. I, respectfully, disagree.

    *the welcome mat has been taken in*

  • At 10:06 AM, January 15, 2005, Blogger Army of Mom said…

    Oh and regarding an earlier comment about wanting to see pics of the bachelorette party, we'll have to wait and see. I'm sure we can get a group shot of the gals all eating spaghetti or something. I'm guessing the trolls won't be too offended by that. *rolling my eyes*

    As far as Robert Bjork. Never heard of him. I tend to read Dr. Brazelton and Dr. Sears, who frequently writes in Parenting magazine. And, just so you know, feel free to share your name and I'll make sure that your children never have to visit my house.


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