Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.


Gag me with a spoon

When I was a girl, I picked up squished dried up frogs from the road and chased girls around with them. Occasionally, I'd get a squirrel and do the same thing. I did see a dead snake in the road yesterday during our walk and point it out to the children - much to their delight - but it was far enough away and not too terribly nasty to gross me out. But, a funny thing happened after my first pregnancy - I developed a gag reflex to more gross stuff.

Now, it all depends on the circumstances - but just thinking of something can make me start to get physically ill and begin dry heaving.

For instance, we were watching Dirty Jobs on Discovery and the hot dude was sticking his arm (all the way up to his elbow) in some cow's ass. I can't remember why he was doing it, but it made me start gagging.

Today, I was cleaning the bathroom *yes, honey, don't faint, I finally cleaned the tub and toilet* and I followed my husband's suggestion to use his needle-nose pliers to clean out the drain. *this hint was given after some bug was trying to crawl out of the drain last night and my husband saw the clog of hair in the drain while retrieving and killing bug* So, I am thinking that there will be some hair in there and no big deal, right? Oh Dear God, no.

I have long hair and I have a daughter with hair that is getting long (it's curly, so it is hard to tell unless it is wet) so, I knew how bad hair can clog a drain, but nothing in all my drain-cleaning experience prepared me for what I yanked out of there. I pulled out slimey things that had hair, soap and lint all combined to create oozy foot-long crud. I kept fearing I would pull out some long-dead bloated rodent or something the way this was looking.

That is when I started gagging. I had to cover the stuff up in the trash can, so I wouldn't see it and have my skin crawl, yet, again.

So, note to self, from now on I clean out the drain about once a week to prevent this nightmare from happening again.

Excuse me while I go find some Ipecac to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.


  • At 12:03 PM, October 16, 2006, Blogger El Capitan said…

    You stick your arm up the cow's ass (hopefully wearing opera-length rubber gloves) so that you can feel around for the cow's cervix. Then, you grab ahold of it as tightly as you can through the colon walls as you use your other hand to guide in the syringe full of unbelieveably expensive bull semen through the other orifice.

    Once you finish squirting the bull-goo into the cow, you retract everything in reverse order that you inserted it, and hopefully you've got a pregnant cow as a result.

    Squeeze cages and buckets of cow-ass lube help the process along.

    Don't ever ask me how I know all this...

  • At 10:14 PM, October 16, 2006, Blogger Gadfly said…

    Thank God my dad only raised beef cattle. We just let the bull handle all that part.


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