Army of Mom

So this is how liberty dies ... with thunderous applause.


More touchy-feely crap

You know, I think most of us are pretty normal adults. When we were kids, our teachers weren't all PC. If you were a motor-mouth (guilty as charged) then the teacher would call you that in front of your classmates. You learned to shut up if you didn't like the title. It was like that for many other things in life, too. You didn't disrespect your teachers because you could get licks. You listened to your neighbors and minded what they said. You knew if you were a brat in church, your mom would find out and you'd get in trouble. That is the way life worked. There were losers and winners in games. So, you were the last kid picked for kickball on the playground. You either learned how to deal with it or you didn't. You didn't hear about all these school shootings back then (ok, the UT guy is an aberation). It just didn't happen. You learned to deal with life.

What precipitated this rant? This study that claims people who were spanked as children grow up to be sexual predators. Give me an effing break. I was spanked - I would actually say I was baet sometimes - and I don't recall EVER forcing anyone to have sex with me. My husband wasn't spared the rod as a child either and he's never had to force anyone to have sex with him either.

In the story: Straus said studies have shown that corporal punishment leads to low self control and self esteem, as well as aggressiveness, antisocial personalities and the understanding that violence is okay which may lead to sexual coercion.

Uh yeah. I have low self control and low self esteem. I'm extremely antisocial and I believe violence is the answer to everything. Uh, sure. If you say so. Whatever. Just more touchy-feely don't spank your child rhetoric. Honestly, I think that is the problem with most kids today. They know there are no repercussions for them if they get in trouble. Mom and dad will talk with them and restrict them and all is right with the world. Give me a break. That works for some children and it doesn't for others. Kids who know that the worst thing to happen to them if a talking to don't have a lot of motivation to act right. I can't tell you how many times I've had children being openly sassy and disobedient in a variety of places because they know I can't "do" anything to them and even if I tell their parents, they won't do anything to them.

So, spare me the rhetoric. Argh.

Put me in coach

*shuddering with excitement*

Baseball season is upon us. Did I mention just how much I love baseball?

Hot Rod made the grapefruit league *and the angels sang*. What that means is that out of the 14 or 15 baseball teams of 7- and 8-year-olds, he is in the upper division of six teams. So, he might have some boys he can actually play with this season. Last fall was a nightmare with only one other kid on his team who could catch the ball.

I even dug out my A-Rod Rangers jersey to wear today in our glorious 70-degree weather.

Life is good.


My daughter, the hair band rocker

Little Bit: Before with beautiful hair in April 2007

Little Bit: After giving herself an Eddie Van Halen 'do last week. I sort of feel like we should trade in our nice house for a trailer and I should buy her a John Cena shirt and give her a bottle full of Dr Pepper to drink. *sigh* It actually looks a little better now. A little.

Sink your teeth into this

Yeah, I have about 400 stories to write, so I'm wasting time doing this. But, hey, at least I'm not milking anyone's time clock but mine. What is your excuse for surfing the web on your company's dime? :)

Courtesy of Kim is the food meme:

Where & what did you eat last night? -- we made burgers on the George Foreman grill at home last night

Are you a good cook? -- I've managed to fatten up an ex-husband and a current one. I would think that means I'm a decent cook.

What’s currently in your fridge? -- gees. What isn't in my fridge right now? Hmm. The indoor fridge has yogurt, butter, applesauce, cream cheese, milk, Sunny Delight, orange juice, koolaid, crescent rolls, lots of condiments from mustard to steak sauce, leftovers from various meals including chili and steak, salad fixings, lots of cheese, a ham for dinner Saturday night, sandwich meat and lots more. The garage fridge is full of diet soda, juiceboxes, milk, beer and a few other things here and there.

Marmite? -- no clue what this is

Do you have a comfort food? -- yes. A Dairy Queen blizzard tops the list. But, I love chicken fried steak, biscuits, mashed potatoes and cream gravy

What’s your favorite restaurant? -- right now it is Red, Hot and Blue (Memphis style BBQ chain)

What was your memorable meal? -- probably February 1998 sitting in Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen with my eldest son (then 3) and Army of Dad discussing the pros and cons of getting married.

Do you have a favorite food scene from the movies? -- there are a few that come to mind immediately. I love the Lady and the Tramp scene where he pushes her the meatball. Too sweet. I also think of When Harry Met Sally and Meg Ryan fakes the orgasm in the middle of the restaurant and the lady at the next table says "I'll have what she's having."

What’s your favorite cinema snack? -- Popcorn or chocolate covered almonds

Raw fish? -- Never.

What would your last meal be? -- Gees, I dunno. Probably a well-done butterflied filet with a big baked potato and rolls.

Which TV cook irritates you the most? -- I used to hate Alton Brown, but he has grown on me. I would guess it is that girl on Food TV with the big head. People think she's hot, but her head is too big for that skinny body.

Ok, anyone else wanna play?

Go Wildcats!

The Kennedale High School Girls Basketball team will be playing today (Thursday February 28) @ 2pm in the State Tournament. The Kennedale Athletic Booster Club is paying to have the game broadcast on the radio, station 1190AM.

If they win and play on Saturday morning it will also be on 1190am.

This is my alma mater. Go Wildcats!!!!

I can smell the vinegar

I am not sure how it started, but I think I blame Patrick Hughes for it. I dunno, a year or two ago, my husband and I began using the word DOUCHEBAG quite a bit. You cut me off in traffic; you're a douchebag. You throw a burning cigarette out into the field across the street from my house while driving by; you're a douchebag. You smoke, talk on the cell phone and eat a burger while driving erratically; you're a prime example of douchebaggery of the highest order.

From time to time, my husband doesn't even have to call someone a douchebag. He just looks over and asks me if I can smell the vinegar.

Anyway, I can remember as a kid seeing this weird thing in my mom's bathtub and wondering what the hell it was. I have no clue at what point I realized what it was and what my mom did with it. Gees, that is gross. What made women do that?

Yeah, there is a theme for the douchebag post. There really is. I went to vote early today. *sigh* After talking with LabKat last night and hearing her tales of the long lines, I thought waiting till March 4 is probably a bad idea. But, for the life of me, I have NEVER walked into a polling place wondering who I was going to vote for. Never. Until today. I walked in and looked at a sample ballot for the Republicans and for the Democrats. And, I just stood there. And stood there. Then, I finally made a decision. As I go to the electronic voting booth - we have choices of paper ballots or electronic here - I sat down with my code. Entered it. Then, fought back the bile and cast my vote for the primary election. I think I threw up a little in my mouth. Funny side note, the dude next to me is this giant nerd who is a vendor at all the dorkfest comic/sci-fi cons I attend. He kept smiling at me, so I know he recognized me, too. But, I've made the mistake of talking to this guy at the events and once he gets started, he never stops. So, I just smiled and didn't speak today. I've heard too many times the tales of how his mom died and left him her entire Barbie collection ad nauseum.

Nausea. That is a good word to describe this election year. Oh yeah, and douchebaggery of the highest order. I feel sorta like this.


Project Runway's Top Three

I am such a complete and total goober as I sit here with big tears in my eyes because Chris March was cut from the final three of Project Runway. I really am sad in a way I've never been while watching the show. I really like him and his fabulous laugh. And, I LOVED the three looks he showed in the challenge tonight. *sigh* Although, it is almost always a given that if I like the looks, the judges will hate them. I wonder what that says about my taste in clothes?

Chris, *here's kisses thrown at you, babe* you rock, dude.


If I get one more email from a friend/acquaintance encouraging me to vote for Barack Obama, I think I may puke.


I've gotten at least two or three of these emails in the last couple of days. I have to fight back the bile while I'm looking at the email. I have thought about emailing them and ask them what, exactly, are the reasons you're voting for Obama? Ok, other than change and hope (drink now, people - see editor's note) why are you for Obama? I agree he's very cute and do-able. But, I don't pick my presidential candidate by his studliness. Ok, I thought the Shrub was kinda cute while carrying around brush on his ranch, but that didn't inspire me to vote for him.

I can't believe I'm actually saying it, but if you're a Dem, why wouldn't you vote for Hillary? She, at least, has substance in her beliefs. More than Obama, in my opinion. I still find her views more on the communist side of things - universal health care, distribution of wealth, etc - but at least you know what she believes in and what she's going to do. Obama? He's just a pretty face, IMHO.

*putting away soapbox*

Editor's note: Surely you've seen the Obama Speech Drinking Game. Chug every time you hear him use the word 'change' or 'hope.' You'll all be blitzed before his speech is over.

Hack, hack

Gees. Of all the times to break into a coughing fit, it has to occur while I'm on the phone with the CEO of a major Dallas museum. Lovely.

I'm sure she appreciated me hacking into her ear. She was very gracious about it, but still ....

I love it when I get stories that I'm excited to write about. Now, I'm working on one about the area's arts districts. This, I enjoy. My next story is on water conservation for farmers. Eh, that is still not bad. I enjoy 'green' stories. The one I'm putting off until the absolute last minute is the one about how creditors and bill collectors are now allowed to harass you on your cell phone. Yippee. I hate bill collectors. And, now, I'm writing all about them and FOR them. *shuddering* I think I need to go bathe now. *shaking off the willies*

Nah. It is a paycheck, so I'm going to write the best damn story about bill collectors and how this new tool will enable them to do their jobs more successfully. Was that believable? Yeah? I thought so. See? I'm a damn good writer.









One Day You're In, The Next, You're Out

Ohmigosh. I laughed till I had tears running out my eyes. I LOOOOOOOVEEEE Project Runway. This MadTV parody is hilarious. I am still laughing.

Sex is a mere molecule

Old school hip-hop is the best. De La Soul was the best, too.


That's gotta hurt!

Arsenal's Eduardo suffered a grody injury Saturday in their match versus Birmingham City. Most of the videos of it have been taken down, but I found a few. It is even grosser than the picture shows it. In a statement, Arsenal Football Club said: The Club can confirm that following the incident during Saturday’s match at Birmingham City, Eduardo has fractured his left fibula and sustained an open dislocation of his ankle joint in the same leg.
He was immediately taken to Selly Oak Hospital in Birmingham where he underwent surgery on Saturday evening. The operation was successful and Eduardo was transferred to a London-based hospital on Sunday afternoon. Earlier today (Monday 25th February), the Orthopaedic surgeon and Arsenal medical staff assessed the extent of the damage and possible time scale for a full recovery. All being well, Eduardo will have his leg in plaster and using crutches for the next six to eight weeks. After that time, partial weight-bearing exercises will be scheduled into a slow rehabilitation process. It is hoped that Eduardo will be running again in six months time and making a full recovery after nine months. Eduardo will be released from hospital in a few days.

Damn. Oh yeah, Taylor with B'ham City: red card.


What a weekend

We had a busy weekend. I finally got a paycheck I've been waiting for, so I stocked up on the groceries. Man, did I buy groceries. I can barely fit in the pantry. But, that is good. I don't do that but once a month. The rest of the time, we just buy small things we need.

My daughter's new hairstyle is starting to grow on me a little. I've decided she looks like FC Dallas' Toja. It could be worse, I suppose. I would upload pictures, but my computer ate my Kodak software. *shrug* So, I still need to download it again.

We got our AC/furnace replaced on Friday. Thankfully. Things are much more comfortable in the house. A mere $5,775. *ouch*

Hot Rod kicked butt in his basketball game on Saturday. He scored eight points. That actually is two points higher than he had scored in all the games combined before that. Little Bit had a jump party to attend Saturday afternoon and loved that. We went to UNT's last home basketball game on Saturday night. Great game. It was sort of sad, though, for our seniors. We feel a bit of kinship watching them all season and some of these guys we've watched for two or three seasons.

Today, Hot Rod had his first oudoor soccer game in almost two years. He did ok. His poor team is just lacking. We haven't got any substitutes, so it is hard to handle. But, he did ok. Army of Dad reffed three men's games tonight. I had scheduled the games for him before we knew Hot Rod had an outdoor game this afternoon.

My good news is that Aunt Flo has been gone for two days. Hip hip hooray. Even better news: since I started working on improving my diet and exercising I've lost 15 pounds. Woo hoo. Bad news is that I've started having anxiety attacks again. Totally sucks.


Campaign slogan

Kim DuToit may have a campaign slogan I can get behind. If you want some goodies to support Kim's gun-totin' lifestyle, go buy yourself a coffee mug or a bumper sticker. Tell him Army of Mom sent ya, ya hear?

I'm still trying to make up my mind what I want to do in the primaries on March 4. In Texas, you can vote in either primary. I'm just trying to decide if the local elections are important enough to me NOT to go vote in the Democratic primaries. I want to pick the opponent I dislike least to run against the choice thrust upon me by the Republican party. Long ago when I was a registered Democrat living in a very conservative West Texas oil town, I had to vote in the Republican primaries to have my vote register as Democrats seldom even ran. The races were truly held in the primaries. I may have to do that again. I just don't know what to do right now.

Up on the rooftop

I keep thinking of the Christmas Song of "Up on the Rooftop" right now. While sitting at the computer, I heard the clinks, clunks and choruses of muffled curses as Dave and Mike - the AC guys - are hard at work demolishing the Junkitrol furnace which gave a dedicated 20 years of heating to the two-story green house in North Texas. I would like to offer a eulogy for old Junky and his also dearly departed mate, the unknown AC brand. They both worked as hard as they could to be crappy builder-grade units. For close to 20 years, they chugged and whirred and increased my utility bills because they weren't made for a house this size. I hope they finally get an eternal rest in that great utility utopia where unwanted and broken units go for eternity. May their rust not corrode and their gears not be pooped on by seagulls.

And, because I keep thinking of the Christmas song ... I created my own version for the occasion:
Up in the ceiling
muffled cuss
out goes crappy old Junkitrol
down the stairway with lots of dust
out to the curb and into the truck

Ho, ho, ho!
I want it to go!
Ho, ho, ho!
I want it to go!
Up in the ceiling
Smack, smack, smack
down the stairway, get it out quick!

*yikes, in the middle of my song I hear BANG! BANG! BANG! and shit goes flying through the vent in the ceiling near my desk. At least I didn't hear a really loud profanity and see a foot come through the ceiling! Back to the song:

First comes the unit in the room of Stinkerbelle
Oh, dear Mike and Dave
Remove it well
Don't eff her room up
It is already messy as hell
Get it out quickly
and watch out for the nails

Repeat Chorus

Next comes the AC
outside the house
please don't track mud
and be a louse
Here is a hammer
And lots of tacks
Also a dustrag
And lots of sacks

Repeat Chorus


I wish I'd stayed asleep today

but if i had your faith
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was sure
that my head on the door was a dream

I have no idea what it means, but I love this song. I heard it on the radio tonight and I just had to turn it up REALLY loud and dance in my mom-mobile. The Cure just brings back many memories of dancing at 25th Street Theatre in Waco during my Baylor days. Me and the railing; dancing all alone and thinking I was very very cool. Robert Smith was all that. And a bag of chips.

Good one

Every now and then, I really amuse myself. Today's chuckle came from my self-description to my dear husband via an email. He tried to call me while I was doing a phone interview about a supplier diversity program (rub down the goosebumps, I write about exciting stuff, I know). So, I emailed him while I was on hold to make sure all was ok. Of course it is. But, I explained why I was worried:

I'm about as jumpy as a cat on meth.

Yep, that purty much describes me these days. I'm having dreams about being kidnapped by dark forces and forced to carry clone baby warriors to term, deliver them, get inseminated again and repeat the process. Of course all of this takes place on some secret airplane/spaceship. Yeah, weird ass dreams. That is a tame one in comparison to some.


When it rains, it pours

Well, Army of Dad finally kicked my ass into gear about getting some bids on having our AC/furnace replaced since the AC died. Turns out, the furnace has now died, too.


Add to it that my dear sweet curly-headed 5-year-old took her craft scissors and gave herself a haircut last night. Now, she has a mullet.

Best Serenity/Firefly quote for the situation:

River Tam: Put a bullet to me. Bullet in the brain pan. Squish.
Dr. Simon Tam: Don't say that! Not ever. We'll get through this.
River Tam: Things are going to get much, much worse.


I like to move it, move it

I dare anyone to listen to this song without tapping their feet, singing or dancing. It just cannot be done. Stinkerbelle does a little dance in tap to this song. Cracks me up every time.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

Or maybe $5,300 to $8,500?

Perhaps, there is a sugar daddy out there in the North Texas area who might like an almost-40 MILF? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Our AC unit died around the middle of October, but no worries as Texas is mild this time of year. Well, March is slowly approaching and with it comes the sun again. *Now, I'm singing George Harrison* But, I digress.

We know we need to get it done before the companies start jacking up the prices. I started getting bids to have the AC unit and furnace replaced. OH.MY.GOSH. First bid was $8,500. Second bid is $5,300. I have another guy coming out on Friday for his bid. I wonder if I could sell a kidney or something?

Data to back me up

I've been whimpering for some time that media jobs are becoming harder and harder to find and
Advertising Age magazine wrote about the disappearance of newspaper jobs. This graphic from the story is pretty telling, too. Looks like us old newsies will have to adapt to PR or finding other ways to make ourselves useful reporting news in a digital world. Just makes me sad, though. I love getting a newspaper thrown in my yard every morning and sitting down to read it while I eat breakfast. By the time my kids are my age, I'm guessing newspaper delivery will be a thing of the past. I hope not, but I see it coming.


No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth

I've had calls, emails and text messages from friends and family to see if I'm still alive and kicking. Or they might be checking to make sure that Army of Dad hasn't finally locked me in the cellar (as if we even have those in Texas) and told me to rub the lotion on its skin and do what its told.

He hasn't. I'm safe, I think.

No, it has just been one of those weeks. One of my various publishing bosses decided to move payroll offices and not take the invoices with them. So, a check that I always count on never arrived. We've been counting our pennies in the meantime. We've gone to support the UNT Mean Green men's basketball team hoping they'll do a repeat of last season and win the Sun Belt Conference and make the NCAA tourney. I'm also hoping Baylor makes the tourney or at least NIT.

As you know, I was sick on Tuesday spending at least part of my workday sleeping. Fortunately, it was really a 24-hour-knock-you-on-your-ass-virus. I am still not 100 percent, but I'm much better. I'm now on day 15 of full-blown monthly cycle that was hopefully going to be eliminated by my endometrial ablation on Jan. 17. The doctor has told me not to give up hope yet, but to give it three or four months to see if it improves. If I'm still visited by Aunt Flo on Thursday, I'm supposed to call back. I'm still on my diet, but had a setback on Saturday when I couldn't fight the urge to eat Wavy Lay's with ketchup. Thankfully, due to my Lenten sacrifice, I still haven't chowed down a Blizzard or Kit Kat.

We've had activities pretty much every night this week. Saturday brought us the day of Hot Rod. He had a soccer game at 8:24 in Dallas and totally rocked out the game playing forward the first half and keeper the second. No subs for that game, so he was in it for the long haul. We broke some traffic laws and made it back to the hometown for a 10 a.m. basketball game. Hot Rod's team was down from 8 to 5 because of chicken pox and flu. So, he played the entire first half without resting, the first period after the half and most of the last period. So, he played about 28 minutes of the 36 minute game. He was good, too. We went to eat and then he had a birthday party at Main Event to attend. Video games, laser tag and a sundae with whipped cream. Life was good. Then, we went to the UNT game for more excitement.

Today, he was fine all morning until just about game time. Yeah, he had another soccer game today. He started coughing some on the way to the game, but was still ok. Then, as he was getting ready to go in goal, he complained about a sore throat and headache. While on the pitch, he started looking worse. Then, all hell broke loose. He was dying out there. He stuck it out though, not quitting until he actually threw up on the field. Bless his heart. It wasn't a full out vomit, but that thing that happens when you cough and cough and cough and you just hack up whatever you just drank (purple G2 Gatorade). His team, once again, had no subs. He was tough. When we got him in the car, he had chill bumps, but was burning up. He had body aches and was hot/cold. So, he has it now. I'm hoping his is the 24-hour version of the flu-like virus that I had earlier this week. He is snoozing on the couch for the night. Little Bit was really sweet and helped us take care of him, even though I tried to keep her away. I imagine it is way too late for a difference to be made at this point. I can hope, though.

So, between all that and the fact that I was driven around for an hour on Friday in a Cadillac Escalade (sweet ride) in fear that we were going to be jacked at any moment ... anyway, things are good. Just busy. I'm tired and I have about a jillion stories to write and do interviews for this week. Wish me luck.

Oh yeah, and my nephew is having some Eagle Scout ceremony in a few weeks. What do you give an 18-year-old boy for earning Eagle Scout? I have no clue. He leaves for engineering school sometime this summer. I've already given him giant monogrammed towels for Christmas in anticipation of dorm life. I'm clueless.

I'm off to bed. I'm exhausted.


Love is ...

Putting aside your hatred of a football team and spending your hard-earned money to buy tickets to take your wife to watch them anyway.
Knowing that someone loves your regardless of how stressed out you can make one another.

Post inspired by the very 70s-ish Love Is comic strip that I adored as a little girl.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.


It finally caught up with me

I have been so pleased to have had the one house in all of North Texas not to come down with some sort of crud. Ok, we've all had allergies and the snot stuff. But, none of us have had the flu or the icks that have been landing everyone on their butts.

Until today. I don't have a fever, but neck aches, my face feels like I'm feverish. I'm cold. I just dry heaved into the toilet. Thankfully, the corn chex cereal must be digested enough not to be tossed back up. My baked potato in the toaster oven is ready, but I just don't know if I can bring myself to eat it.

I want to climb into bed and forget the world, but I have two stories due yesterday. I sort of need to write 'em. Then, I have to pick up kids, feed them and deliver one to basketball practice tonight. Then, I'm going back to bed. Maybe. Hopefully.

For the procrastinating men

You know who you are out there. If you haven't gotten your honey a card, I'm giving you tips on what to do, how to do it and, best of all, how to score brownie points for doing it.

Here you go:

1. You MUST get her a card. Take your lunch break to go pick one out that she will appreciate. Unless you're a sappy guy, I recommend NOT going the sappy route. Find one of the cute, humorous ones that is flattering to her. Then, this is the biggie, jot down some fond memory of her. Maybe something about a gift she gave you for a past Valentine's Day that you loved or something that happened while you were dating that made you love her. Something personal is the key. Don't write something about what a good lay she was or how you loved the fact that you guys did it on the first date. Use good taste. Also, don't run into the gas station and grab a card there from 1979. Dollar General has really nice cards for $1 or less.

2. Don't buy her lingerie unless she's a horndog. This is just a way to piss her off. It is like Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with the initials H.S. on it. We know the lingerie is NOT for us. It is about what you're going to get out of it. If you're only getting laid once a week or once a month as it is, giving her lingerie is just going to make her mad. Girls, am I wrong?

3. No candy if she's on a diet. This is simple enough. Use your common sense. Now, you can take her out to her favorite restaurant or bring home chocolate dipped strawberries, if she likes those.

4. Flowers are always good. If she has a favorite kind of flower like tulips, daisies or carnations, you can't go wrong. If you are a member of Sam's Club or Costco, you can get more bang for your buck there. Buy a big vase and fill the damn thing up. You'll spend less than $40 and she'll get twice as many flowers. Now, here's my disclaimer: I've known those women's libber friends of mine who get pissy at getting flowers. You know if you're gal is in this category or not. Most of us Southern girls love anything purty. (sorry, reverting back to my upbringing). If you guys are on a budget, don't splurge too much or she'll feel badly. You can get a small bouquet of tulips for about $10 at the florist. You can get a basic vase for $2 at Wal-Mart or even better, go to the local thrift store. They always have tons of vases in every size and shape (some are gorgeous) for $2 or less.

5. Music. If she has an Ipod, you can download some songs for her. If she has a CD player, you can't go wrong with music. Pick something she loves or a CD with your song on it. She'll be so touched that you thought about her like this. If you were high school sweethearts, get a CD with songs from your prom. Even better is a song that makes you think about her that she may not even know - write a note about why it makes you think of her and include it with the CD.

6. Salon pampering. Get her a massage or pedicure. We all love that. Seldom do we get to be pampered. Don't give her a brazilian wax; again, more for you than us. Plus, she'll think you don't like her the way she looks now and that will make her feel bad.

7. Don't give her a gift card or cash. There are some exceptions to this, but we prefer that you actually put a bit of effort into getting us a gift. It demonstrates to us that you cared enough to put some thought and effort into the whole thing.

8. Think twice about useful items. If she's been asking for a new washer/dryer, then maybe that is ok. But, we want the gift to be about romance and how you see us in a romantic way; not about making us into even more of a domestic goddess.

9. Gift certificates for loving. This is where you earn what you want for Valentine's Day. Make her (or you can buy one at Wal-Mart in the seasonal aisle) a book of gift certificates. Included are certificates for a back rub, foot rub, running her a bubble bath, painting her toenails for her, making her dinner, giving her a night off from chores and kids, etc. I can almost guarantee that if you do something like this for her, you'll be repaid in with some amorous attention.

10. Tell her how you feel. We love this shit. Tell us what you were thinking the first time that you saw or met us. *Don't include that you got a raging boner because of her low cut blouse.* Tell her about how pretty she was. Maybe how she caught your eye. Was it her lovely eyes or her beautiful figure (see, you can include that stuff without being crude). Talk to her about why you still love her. Compliment her on all the things that she does for you that maybe you never thank her for. Those things go a long way toward keeping us from resenting the fact that we pick up your smelly socks, mend your clothes, pack your lunch, etc.

Ladies, our gifts are easy. Go dig out a bow from the Christmas wrapping paper and stick it to your belly button or get three and put two on your boobs like pasties. I saw a comedian who said that he didn't want a new shirt or whatever else crap that we get them. All he wanted was a blow job and/or sex. Voila. That easy. Our job is quick and done. Ok, maybe not so quick if you're lucky. LOL. But, we can give them what they want for next to nothing. Cook him his favorite meal and lead him to the bedroom wearing nothing but a seductive smile. Inexpensive and, maybe if you play your cards right, you'll get that foot rub that you've been wanting.

Happy early Valentine's Day.

So, what is AoM and AoD doing for their romantic Valentine's Day, you ask? We're taking our kids to the UNT Mean Green men's basketball game where we will dine on the Family Four Pack of a large Domino's pizza and four drinks. :) And, people say romance is dead. Pshaw.


The Judybats

Flashbacks! Uzz took me to see this band when they opened up for John Wesley Harding at some bar in Deep Ellum. I feel in love immediately. This is one of my favorite songs ever. I would pull out this cassette whenever I was sad because it always cheered me up!!!


First off, if you don't want to hear about gynecological issues, then turn away now. Go click on Caption This or something more entertaining. Those of you brave enough, trudge forward.

It has been almost a month since my endometrial ablation and things aren't right yet. Most of what I've read and heard from friends who had it done was that they had some discharge for two weeks after the surgery and then, voila, all was right with the world and they haven't had periods since. One of my blog readers hasn't seen any improvement since hers.

Well, I did the two week thing and then, I started bleeding. The doctor warned me that there may be some, but it would be light. Nope. It has been like a period. Going on day 9 now. So, after several calls to the doctor in the past week, I guess they figured the only way to shut me up was to bring me in and check me. He examined me and determined that all is fine and healing as it should be. I'm, apparently, having tissue that is sloughing off. He issued some birth control pills to help ease the bleeding and said to call back in 10 days if the bleeding hasn't diminished by then.

So, in the meantime, I am ... well, you know. It really sucks. On the bright side, I was afraid he'd tell me to eliminate my "wifely duties" but he didn't So, that was one positive out of the whole situation.

The nurse explained that my body has underwent some severe trauma with the procedure and any kind of up or down can influence your body's cycle, so this isn't unheard of. Is it the norm? No, but it isn't anything to be alarmed about. *shrug* So, back to taking the pill. The doctor gave me a month's supply sample and teased me about it having a nifty little compartment to conceal it so my "parents won't know I'm on the pill." He grinned when he said it. I told him, I felt safe that my parents wouldn't object. :)

The ongoing tales of my vagina. *sigh*


God help us

Watching Band of Brothers and we're on the episode where the American soldiers find the concentration camps. I can't watch this without weeping. I still can't fathom how human beings can treat others like this. It is just beyond me.

When I was in high school, my parents took me to Germany and I wanted to find one of these camps. No one would tell us how to find them. We did go to Nurnberg and toured the site of the Nurnberg trials. I didn't know German, but I knew enough to be sickened by two little old German ladies on the tour with us. I could see them smiling as they talked about Hitler. Smiling. Swear to God. I thought, perhaps, that they were sharing a joke or something. Then, I saw others on the tour who spoke German looking at these women with distaste and stepping away from them. My initial feelings were correct. I was amazed. Here I was standing shoulder to shoulder with women who were probably children in that era and listened to their parents speak so highly of Hitler and his goals. I thought I was going to be sick.

Some day, I will go to Poland and see Auschwitz. The Holocaust is something that can never be forgotten. To those who claim it didn't happen, please listen to Martin Spett, Leo Schneiderman or Lilly Appelbaum Malnik. I think they have a little something different to say.

I'm going to have to make my way to the Dallas Holocaust Museum. I'm investing in an entire box of Kleenex for that trip.


Release your inner Cupid

This commercial always makes me giggle at the 40-somethings remembering their days in the sun with big hair and hormones. This commercial came on and I turned to Army of Dad and said "I don't think they'll have a card with our song in it."

Gotta love this headline

Of course, I had to look at a story titled Marriage: It's Only Going to Get Worse.


I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, ours gets better every year.

Kiss your civil liberties goodbye

Regardless of who gets in office now, we're all screwed.

I sense a rise in stocks for McNeil-PPC (they're the company that makes KY brand products) because we ought to at least lube up as we bend over to take it up the butt.

Our choices are now the RINO or the Dems.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Woo Hoo

I love this song. There is a certain fondness, too, because it reminds me of when Army of Dad and I were courting. :) I heard this song on the way home from Ash Wednesday mass tonight. Bribed the kids with ice cream if they behaved. I don't think God will mind.

Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura

I hated Robin Ventura with a passion after this. Nolan Ryan is THE man. Today, he signed on to be the president of the Texas Rangers organization. God, it will take a miracle to turn that crummy organization around. But, if anyone can do, this man can contribute.

take this quiz, you will

how jedi are you?
:: by lawrie malen

Awwww, yes.


One of my friends started his own blog about the very peculiar topic of picking a vice president. So, go give him a look and leave a comment that Army of Mom sent you ....


Another R Rated AoM Post

My honey isn't a fan of Oprah and I can only take her in small doses, but listening to the radio this morning and the radio DJs were talking about some sex survey on Oprah and, of course, that perked up my ears.

According to Dr. Oz, how often should you have sex?
A) Once a week
B) Twice a week
C) 10 times a month
D) 200 times a year or more

The correct answer is D.

"If you have more than 200 orgasms a year, you can reduce your physiologic age by six years," Dr. Oz says. He bases the number on a study done at Duke University that surveyed people on the amount and quality of sex they had. *I think I now know why people say I don't look 39*

"They looked at what happened to folks that are having a lot of intercourse over time, and the fact is, it correlated."Among the benefits of having sex often, Dr. Oz says, is that it can prove that your body is functioning as it is supposed to. "But in addition, having sex with someone that you care for deeply is one of the ways we achieve that Zen experience that we all crave as human beings," he says. "It's really a spiritual event for folks when they're with someone they love and they can consummate it with sexual activity … seems to offer some survival benefit."

Additionally, Dr. Oz said healthy, monogamous sex can help you lose weight. Dr. Oz wants to clear up a misconception that sex burns a lot of calories. In fact, sex only burns about 25, equal to half a slice of bread. Instead, Dr. Oz says the real value of meaningful sex—not recreational sex—comes from the release of a hormone called oxytocin, which makes you feel community, love and empathy.

"That is incredibly important because besides lowering your blood pressure, what it does is it tells your gut not to send signals to the brain to eat. So it's a wonderful tool to get you where you want to be," Dr. Oz says.

Losing weight then tends to increase your sex drive, he says. And, losing weight improves the sex lives of men in another way. "If you lose 35 pounds, if you're a male, you are gaining one inch of penis length," he says. Often when a man is carrying a lot of extra weight, Dr. Oz says a fat bundle builds up and starts to surround the shaft. As a man drops the weight, that fat starts to recede.

Wowwweee!!! I have never heard that before, but it makes perfect sense. Somehow, I think if NutriSystem or Weight Watchers promoted their business in this way to men, they'd get LOTS more male consumers of their products.


Happy Fat Tuesday!

I posted this picture last year on Fat Tuesday and got quite the response from people. I just noticed there has been lots of traffic coming in over the past few days and thought I'd put it up one more time. And, no wise cracks. We can all hope we have this much fun and don't sag any more than this in our late 40s or so. :)

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the official start of my diet. That is my Lenten sacrifice this year: gluttony. I'm bad about pigging out on Blizzards and cookies. So, I figure it is a good choice to sacrifice and it will help me, too. I've already lost two pounds in a week just stepping up the walking regimen, giving up the junkiest of stuff and portion control. I can't say that without singing the Prince song and just substituting portion for the other P word in the song. :)

*note: the Prince song is adult oriented and not work or child friendly. Wait to check it out late at night, in the dark, with the volume turned down and no one around except maybe your significant other (who, if male, will definitely appreciate it *wink*).


I'm Here For The Party

I think my husband was trying to tell me something when he gave me this CD for Christmas a few years ago. Between this and "Redneck Woman" I sense another trend. :)

We went out this weekend both evenings for the first time in ages. My teenaged son is always asking me when we're going out because he likes to stay up late and play video games while his brother and sister sleep. :) We closed down a biker bar in a neighboring city. Apparently, this bartender was making some strong drinks. I only had a few and I was toasted and acting the fool. Army of Dad kept trying to get me to eat some crackers and I refused. I woke up Sunday morning dry heaving and feeling sick till about lunchtime. There is a reason I only do this about once every two or three years, I'm guessing.

Dial L for Love

Ohmigod. Is this the most 80s song on the planet or what? Go check out those styles from hair to the clothes. It was a giant flashback. I've always loved this song, but had some question about Cameo guy's sexuality. Do straight men wear a cod piece (if you're not Batman or Robin, and there could be some doubt about their sexual orientations as well). Anyway. I love this song. Word up. LOL

I want to make you move

What a great song. I have heard this a number of times on the radio, but never knew who it was: Finger Eleven.

I love these lyrics:
Well, I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you


I still got it

Want to know how I know?

I got up to get some meatballs (recipe courtesy of El Capitan) out of my very cute football shaped crockpot (a Christmas gift from my BF).

The Patriots were lining up getting ready for the snap. I decided to give my ass a quick wiggle to see if I could get Army of Dad to turn away from the TV. And, he did.

I still got it.

Superbowl Trivia

Courtesy of a flyer from Sam's Club, here is some NFL trivia for you. Answers are under each question, but not upside down. Sorry. :) Enjoy the game! I'm amazed to say I'm cheering for Pretty Boy Brady and the Pats. I'd love to see them finish off this incredible year by winning.

1. What is former Bengals QB Boomer Esiason's real first name?

William, David, Roger or Norman

2. Who has played the most games over the course of his career?

Brett Favre, Dan Marino, Morten Andersen or Bill Romanowski

3. What is the highest number of seasons played by a single player?

40, 26, 20 or 15

4. How many yards was the longest punt in the history of the championship game?

65, 63, 66 or 71

5. Which team scored the fewest number of points in the Superbowl?

Dallas, Miami, New England or Pittsburgh

6. How many teams have never been to the Superbowl? *bonus to name them*

5, 6, 7 or 4


1. Norman

2. Morten Andersen

3. 26 - George Blanda

4. 63 - Lee Johnson, Cincinnati, 1989

5. Miami (vs. Dallas, 1972 - scored 3)

6. Six - Arizona Cardinals, Cleveland Browns, Houston Texans, Detroit Lions, Jacksonville Jaguars and the New Orleans Saints

AoM = Elly Mae Clampitt

There are times when my Texas accent really can be a detriment to my career as a business writer. I'm working on an article about using cement combined with recycled road materials to repair back roads. Well, apparently the Texan in me came out big time in the way I said 'cement.' Some people thought I was saying 'scenic' and others just couldn't even figure it out.

I know I sound like Elly Mae Clampitt when I say cement, except it comes out like 'ahm gonna take a dip in the see-ment pond."


Saying it the right way doesn't seem right to me.

I think someone is trying to tell me

I heard this song on the radio five times yesterday. Then, I heard it again this afternoon.I'm sort of concerned that someone is trying to tell me something. Ya think?